


Hana (華)

by kei_yairi



Category: the GazettE
Genre: Awkward Romance, Drama, Drama & Romance, M/M, OOC, One Shot, One Shot Collection, One Shot Song Challenge, One True Pairing, One of My Favorites, Romance, Slow Romance, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-14
Updated: 2017-08-14
Packaged: 2018-12-15 06:42:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11800569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kei_yairi/pseuds/kei_yairi
Summary: “No… I shouldn’t… I won’t be able to… I couldn’t face…”





	Hana (華)

**Author's Note:**

> I got the inspiration from Alice Nine's song: Hana (華).
> 
> Happy reading!

**_Hana mira wo ukabete kokyuu wo tomete_ **   
**_Yokusou ni wa oto mo todokanai_ **   
_(…In the bathtub where I float petals, stop my breaths,_   
_sound also doesn’t reach,…)_

My left hand was wet. To my elbow, I drown my hand in the heat of water that filled your bathtub. Few roses’ petals floated on the water’s surface. I was the one who put those petals there. You didn’t say a word when I scattered the petals while you’re still submerging there.

I was hoping you would get mad at me or anything. I wanted to hear your voice. I wanted you to talk to me, say something to me. You know? I just thought that those petals would make the view even more gorgeous than before.

I was being stupid, I know. You’re gorgeous already. I just… I can’t think right now.

The petals were moving for the ripples you’ve made with your slow movement. I gasped for awhile when I saw some of the petals were touching your kind-of-tanned skin. I gasped, because I don’t want any of my voice slip right through my lips and it reached your hearing.

**_Sugisatta genjitsu namida to tomo ni_ **   
**_Shizumete yuku awa no naka e_ **   
_(…Reality passed me by, along with the tears_   
_sinking lower into the bubbles,…)_

I felt that this world was no longer real. I didn’t care about anything around me except you. The sound of the rippling water, the drops of the water that sometimes still drip from the faucet, the sound of the television that still heard softly from your living room, the ticking sound from the clock that like it echoed all over this room, your bathroom, all of those sound just passed by me without giving any meaning to me.

Why could I still hear those sounds? Was it already too quiet here? Why won’t you say something? Please, please let me hear your voice so that I know that this world is still real. But, then again, even if this world was not real anymore, I just don’t want to get out from here… forever.

“Forever”. The word then made my tears flowed. I could feel it. It flowed from my eyes, making trails on my cheek, and stopped at my chin. It hanged there for a brief moment before – at last – it fell to your bathtub, and mingled with the bubbles there.

**_Sayonara wa yurameki suisai no hate e_ **   
**_Tsuki ga nemuru yoru wa hoshi mo nakute_ **   
_(…Goodbye wavers at the end of the watercolor,_   
_On nights when the moon sleeps there are no stars either,…)_

“Goodbye…” It looked like THAT word reflected on every colorful bubble’s surface I saw in your bathtub. The word was just like an ornament that framing my face that was also reflected there. I look at every single bubble.

I felt so ashamed when I saw my own face there. I knew that I can’t see my face clearly on the bubbles. But still, I know what happened to my face: redden eyes for too much tears, swollen and darkened eye bags from too much crying, and the tears’ trails that still wet.

You ever said it to me: you didn’t like the face I have right now. You hated it when you saw my wrinkled face for being too sad. You didn’t want me to be gloomy. You didn’t want me to be like this in front of the fans.

_「“What will the fans say if they see you like this? They will definitely think that I’m the one who hurt you and make you cry. You know? I stood next to you most of the time?”」_

Remembering those words of yours make me smile a bit. Did you know something? Now, I don’t even care about it anymore. There were no fans around us now. They won’t see my face right now. They would never be able to see my face like this.

So, I guess, everything will look just fine for them, for the fans. I don’t have to feel embarrassed in front of anyone. Include you. Yeah, you. I just realize about how ugly my face was right now. You know why? ‘Cause you’re the one who made me turn into this mess.

Yeah, you’re the one who made me have to show you my ugly face, my tears stained face. Then I guess I don’t have to care too much about it. Now, my face is not comparable with yours, the one that looked so strong, so tough. So handsome.

‘Don’t judge the book by its cover’ they said. Did you ever think about why that sentence must exist in the first place? Yeah, you’re right. Even when someone’s face could look so tough in a way, some of them just couldn’t hide the torture they cover up inside themselves.

That was exactly like what you ever did to me whether you realize it or not. With that tough and handsome face of yours, you could hurt me. With the strength that concealed within your handsome face, you did a great job of hurting me.

So, don’t ever blame me if my face can be this ugly right now. I was not the one to be blamed on. It was not my entire fault. I could justify my defense. You DID hurt me and YOU were the one who made me cry. It was your entire fault. Your fault. It’s YOURS.

But I don’t have anyone to defend me. Even at this darkest night, the moon chose to hide itself and refused to show a slightest light. Connive with their queen; there was no star I could find in tonight’s sky. Nothing. I was confused. They declined to appear; was it because they were concerned with my condition right now, or was it because they just wanted to mock me?

**_Yume no hana chiru nara mirai ni soe you_ **   
**_Tsubomi no mama de ii saku koto negau nara_ **   
_(…If the flower of my dreams scatters, I’ll embellish the future with it,_   
_It doesn’t matter that it’s still a bud if I wish for it to bloom,…)_

Didn’t they know why must THAT question appear in my head in the beginning? I was getting used to sleep with them as ornaments in my nights. Far above my head, they accompanied me, and I felt like, with them, I could see sweet dreams every single night.

One time, I made myself think, that IF one of them won’t appear in my night, then my slumber won’t be complete, and I won’t have any sweet dream. Those night sky’s ornaments were the things that made my sweet dreams bloomed.

But tonight, they’re all gone. All of them. I couldn’t make my sweet dream bloom without them. If my sweet dreams were still in a bud, never, ever blame me if I kept hoping for them to bloom. If the happiness in my dreams had to withered and fall, I hope the wind will blow my dreams, so they can fly, and the flakes will be the ornament of my future… with you.

**_Chou ga mau shinkirou himitsu wo daite_ **   
**_Kiri no you na tooi yakusoku_ **   
_(…The mirage of a dancing butterfly, harboring a secret,_   
_a distant promise like mist,…)_

Would you please, help me now? Like you’ve promised me long time ago? We ever shared the same hopes and wishes about our future, didn’t we? Do you still remember those hopes and wishes? Or… do you have different hope about our future?

Does your hope have something to do with our condition right now? Do you keep another hope that was not exactly what I’m hoping for? Suddenly, I looked at those rose petals around you. Some of them looked like a floating butterflies.

I know I’m stupid. But still. I can’t even stop my own mind to imagine. Looking at those _butterflies_ , made me suddenly think that maybe there were butterflies that will help us spread the pollen of our hopes for our future together.

Now, I realized that butterfly has its own mystery. When they flew, sometimes we just couldn’t tell which butterflies, which were the real petals were. It seemed like those butterflies were hiding those flower petals on purpose.

It looked like you have butterflies to hide something about you from me. It became too loyal to you. It helped you to keep any secret from me. But I think; that secret will unveil today, right now. The promises that you ever said to me, now will be just like a mist that block my vision but I will never be able to clench it.

**_Kinou to ashita to futashika na ima_ **   
**_Kimi no moto e maware Merry-go-Round_ **   
_(…Yesterday and tomorrow and the uncertain present,_   
_Go around to where you are, merry-go-round!...)_

Did you know? All of those things now are just circling in my head. My memories about our past, our hopes about our future, and the present that are still uncertain for me, all of it still come back to you. Like a Merry-go-Round that always got back to the same place over and over again, my reasons also always keep turning back to you.

**_Todokanai omoi wa binsen to tomo ni_ **   
**_Itsuka todoku hazu sa ii kikasete_ **   
_(…The feelings that don’t reach, along with the writing paper,_   
_persuading myself that someday they should reach,…)_

I just wanted to know. Did you ever really have the same feeling about me like I have about you? At least, did my feeling ever reach you anyway? Did you know what it feels, when in the past, someone would always send a letter and that person was always hoping to get the reply?

Well, it was not like today, where we could get a reply message or email within seconds. No. At that time, we needed to wait for a very long time to get the reply, right? But the problem came when the reply was never arrived.

That person never got the answer. That was how I feel right now. I’ve sent my letters of whispered feeling to you. While doing that, I was establishing my heart; I kept trying to make you understand about my feelings to you.

I’ve always try to convinced myself that one day, my feelings will be able to reach you.

**_Furueteta kuchibiru kotoba wo tsutaete_ **   
**_Tashika na mono hitotsu itoshii kioku dake_ **   
_(…Quivering lips conveying the words,_   
_there’s only one thing for certain, just my treasured memories…)_

“No… I shouldn’t… I won’t be able to… I couldn’t face…”

My lips were trembling when – unconsciously – I whispered those words. Even my hand that was still in the water in your bathtub was trembling. The heat of the water couldn’t stop my body from shaking. Could you even feel it? Until finally I pulled your shoulder into my embrace, and made you feel my touch, could you feel my shaking body around you?

I know. There was still a bathtub that separated us. But that was the only thing I could do to be this close to you. I don’t really care if you didn’t want anybody to disturb you when I forced my way in your bathroom earlier.

But I couldn’t hold myself any longer. I wanted to know everything, and I just couldn’t wait any longer. Because of that, I didn’t ask you to get out from there. I just wanted you not to ask me to leave. And even if you DID ask me to leave, I still would definitely stay.

I won’t go because I still need to hear your explanation. For that, I won’t mind if I had to sit on your bathroom floor and leaned on to your bathtub wall, whereas I was hoping that I could lean to your back instead.

Yes, your back. You didn’t even turn to face me. You didn’t let me saw your face easily. You would never let me to truly enjoy my time with you. Like now, you just sat still in your bathtub while I’m sitting on your bathroom floor, and holding you from behind.

I’ve mustered up my courage this far but I still couldn’t get your attention. You could actually get angry if I was disturbing you that much. But please, don’t be this quiet to me. Please. Talk to me, please. Make me certain about anything at all.

Don’t depress me like this. Make something real between us, would you? Anything will do. Anything. Just don’t confuse me. Don’t let me drown in our past, in my precious memory. It was so precious. My memory about you, about us, it was very precious to me. And when you turned my world upside down like this, my memory became more and more way too precious.

**_Asayaka na kisetsu ga irodori wo soeru_ **   
**_Hikari sasu hou made kake nukete_ **   
_(…The brilliant season adds coloring,_   
_Go toward where the light shines and run through it,…)_

Oh, what season was it? Why suddenly I felt so, very warm? Was it because the clothes I still wore? Or was it because of the warmth from the water? Or… was it because… you suddenly turned around and hold me… tight?

“Why..?” I asked, in whispered voice. A tear was hanging at the edge of my eye.

Was my life so colorful like this? You’re not lying, are you? You didn’t merely try to comfort me right now, did you? Was tonight not as dark as I thought before?

**_Kotoba ni dekinai omoi ga aru nara_ **   
**_Uta wo kana de okurou kokoro wo sakasete_ **   
_(…If there are feelings you can’t put into words,_   
_let’s give the performance of a song, make your heart bloom…)_

“If there were feelings that we couldn’t put into words, we could put it into songs. You’ve said it.”

There, you shocked me.

“With songs, we could make the feelings we had bloomed. You ever said that to me too, right?”

What do you mean?

“Do I have to say it all? Do I have to utter my every unsaid feeling to you?”

No… you don’t have too… but…

“Do I have to reveal every plan I’ve made for our future, when – I think – I already could make you understand it from everything I’ve done for you?”

God… how stupid I am…

“I’m not good with words… I can’t be like you who could express all your feelings so easily in music… with your guitar… Me? This was all I could do… I’m sorry because I couldn’t tell you about all my feelings… I’m sorry for confusing you all of this time… I’m sorry because I made you so uncertain about the things that I couldn’t convey…”

“Stop it…” I hugged him back.

“I love the way you try to catch all the dreams in front of you. I love it because it made me want to do the same thing. I love that you always show the light that shine on my life. I love you for being THE light that always lightens up my days…”

Those words from your very lips made me smiled, and chuckled. A little. I leaned my head on your shoulder that was still wet. Oh, now I made it even wetter. I’m sorry. I couldn’t hold back my tears. But I think I really need to cry now.

Your words. Now I know why you never told me about how you do feel about me. It was not because you’re not good at words. You were just scared that you would make me melt with everything you would tell, weren’t you? Because… look at me right now…

Now I know that I don’t have to insist you to tell me anything. You’ve already made me remember other things that I haven’t realized before. Like you’ve told me, I don’t have to wait until you make everything clear with your words.

No, because all the things you’ve done were actually already told me about everything I’ve wanted to know. Goodbye. Goodbye to my old self. Goodbye to unbelieving me. Goodbye to me who didn’t believe in you. Goodbye to my entire turmoil in my heart.

  
**____....++++****・=fin=・****++++....____**

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, it’s writer in Aoi’s POV.
> 
> By… the… way…
> 
> Booo! Cheesy! T_____T …I never thought that it would be like this. When I heard the early part of the lyrics, I felt a gloomy feeling. But when I reached the last verse, I found a more positive ‘aura’ about this song. So, to make this fic more appropriate with the song, this was how I made it… >////< Hope you all like it…


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